I:0:T I'd like to look at the conventional wisdom around temper tantrums for a minute here. Have you ever observed (or been subject to) tantrums that were in progress during which parents (perhaps even yourself) were actually following the typical ignore-the-tantrum advice? Maybe in a store, a child or infant was screaming. The parent responded thus: (1) ignoring the temper tantrum and the child, (2) staying calm and cool, (3) acting unruffled and nonchalant, and (4) as soon as possible (while sustaining an unhurried appearance) making it past the checkout and out of the store. This situation was much to everyone's relief, except most likely the child's-whose anger and frustration by that point in time had escalated to the extreme.
Let's look more carefully at this paradigm. (I promise-that is the only super-annoying scholarly word I'll use here.) Responding to temper tantrums by mostly ignoring them is the basis of a decades- or even centuries-old parenting model or set of practices, assumptions, values, and concepts that presents a misguided or wrongheaded way of seeing temper tantrum reality.
The experts have consistently been advising parents to ignore tantrums precisely because (they say) it's the best way to deal with children's tantrum behavior. Yet these parenting experts mostly admit that responding by ignoring doesn't change or eliminate children's tantrum behavior-because, as they say, tantrums in children are normal, natural, and inevitable.
Tantrum Probability: Tantrum behavior + responding by ignoring = tantrum behavior.
This circular theory really begs a few questions. What measurement is there for parents to use so they can understand if they're ignoring the tantrums thoroughly enough or well enough? Just kidding. Nobody asks that question. But they should. How can parents know if ignoring tantrums is even a good and valid technique like the experts say it is? There is absolutely no change or success to measure and no tool to use to evaluate this technique's effectiveness. This technique, in fact, doesn't claim to be effective in the creation of a change. Using this technique isn't supposed to solve anything. When the tantrum behavior, as it undoubtedly will, stays the same or perhaps gets worse, the tantrum parents are supposed to keep on ignoring the tantrums simply because the experts say so.
And that's exactly what I did at the beginning, novice parent that I was. I repeatedly ignored my first four children's tantrums until each of them outgrew the behavior, at about the age of two. I also responded to the tantrums of my fifth baby by ignoring them, until I found out that this technique was largely contributing to and provoking all of his tantrum behavior. I came to understand that the technique of ignoring tantrum and pre-tantrum anger is a big part of the cause of tantrums. And I learned clearly that as long as tantrums will be ignored they will continue to occur.
Let's look more carefully at this paradigm. (I promise-that is the only super-annoying scholarly word I'll use here.) Responding to temper tantrums by mostly ignoring them is the basis of a decades- or even centuries-old parenting model or set of practices, assumptions, values, and concepts that presents a misguided or wrongheaded way of seeing temper tantrum reality.
The experts have consistently been advising parents to ignore tantrums precisely because (they say) it's the best way to deal with children's tantrum behavior. Yet these parenting experts mostly admit that responding by ignoring doesn't change or eliminate children's tantrum behavior-because, as they say, tantrums in children are normal, natural, and inevitable.
Tantrum Probability: Tantrum behavior + responding by ignoring = tantrum behavior.
This circular theory really begs a few questions. What measurement is there for parents to use so they can understand if they're ignoring the tantrums thoroughly enough or well enough? Just kidding. Nobody asks that question. But they should. How can parents know if ignoring tantrums is even a good and valid technique like the experts say it is? There is absolutely no change or success to measure and no tool to use to evaluate this technique's effectiveness. This technique, in fact, doesn't claim to be effective in the creation of a change. Using this technique isn't supposed to solve anything. When the tantrum behavior, as it undoubtedly will, stays the same or perhaps gets worse, the tantrum parents are supposed to keep on ignoring the tantrums simply because the experts say so.
And that's exactly what I did at the beginning, novice parent that I was. I repeatedly ignored my first four children's tantrums until each of them outgrew the behavior, at about the age of two. I also responded to the tantrums of my fifth baby by ignoring them, until I found out that this technique was largely contributing to and provoking all of his tantrum behavior. I came to understand that the technique of ignoring tantrum and pre-tantrum anger is a big part of the cause of tantrums. And I learned clearly that as long as tantrums will be ignored they will continue to occur.
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